Many of my clients are understandably confused by how to gain confidence with dating. How does one gain confidence, when they don’t have it to begin with? And what the hell does “Fake it 'til you make it” look like in practice? Do you sometimes just feel… stuck? You want to get better, but you don’t know where to start, or worse have had traumatic experiences when you did try? DEFINING THE PROBLEM There was a period in my life where I didn’t have confidence with women either. As time went on, I realized that if something was ever to happen with the girls I wanted, it was going have to be me that initiated, because they certainly weren’t making the first move. The dreaded first move. Imagine for a moment approaching your dream girl with romantic intentions. You’re standing face to face with her and she’s waiting for you to speak. How does it feel? If you’re like ninety percent of men, my previous self included, you don’t know whether to run, pass out, vomit, or all of the above! What if she says “no?” What if you say something stupid? What if she laughs at you? What if it’s awkward afterward? What if she tells all her friends? Your friends!?!? What if, what if, what if… While these dreadful questions seem perfectly logical, they’re actually driven by our primitive fears, by our insecurities, and of the unknown. Outright rejection is scary, because if and when it happens it immediately crushes your self-esteem and makes you feel like you’re a worthless P.O.S. So while our conscious mind is saying “This is stupid, just ask her out dummy,” our feelings of dread are compelling us to wait, that it’s not safe, and not to act. So we wait. And wait. And wait. And then we miss our window of opportunity, and end up wasting an inordinate amount of time trying to rationalize why we just didn’t take a chance. She ends up dating someone else, or moves, or we move. Life happens. THE SOLUTION, IS COURAGE You know, courage, that thing that’s hard to do but often worth the risk when you can muster it. Courage has a key distinction from confidence. While confidence means to trust yourself and abilities, courage specifically refers to overcoming something that frightens you. So to obtain confidence, you often have to first exhibit courage. But what if you don’t have that either?!? Relax. There are different levels of courage. Sometimes, it takes just a little courage, like talking to a random girl online. Sometimes, it takes a helluva lot of courage, like asking your crush out in person. The more that’s at stake, the more difficult the perceived odds, and the more perceived danger, the more courage that’s required. We will from now on refer to this as “Courage Quotient” or CQ. Low Courage Quotient
Moderate Courage Quotient
High Courage Quotient
With courage, comes experience. With positive experience comes confidence. Courage doesn’t just apply to dating either. Anything you have to overcome any small or large obstacle that frightens you is courageous. Change is courageous. You have a choice: act, or don’t. It’s a binary decision. You don’t act and your situation won’t get any better. You do act and there’s a chance you’ll experience something magnificent. So, guaranteed failure through inaction, or potential for success with action. Which sounds better? And don’t think for a moment you’ll breeze through all these courage checkpoints… Nope. The more you built it up, the worse it will be, for a while. Anxiety attacks, longing, depression, embarrassment, shame, anger, were frequent sensations for me as I pushed myself to be braver. But you know what? Over time I learned that none of that stuff was going to kill me and it indeed made me stronger. You’ll learn what works and what doesn’t. You’ll learn that they aren’t going to claw your eyes out. Heck, most of the time they avoid out right rejecting you anyway and instead their lack of enthusiasm will be enough to give you your answer... You’ll learn that there really wasn’t anything to fear, because you’re growth minded, and driven. The crippling sensations that had held you back continually diminish over time. You’ll learn to get the most value from the smallest amount of courage invested.
THE TAKEAWAY Let’s take a realistic look at the common fears mentioned before. What if she says “no?” Then you say “no problem” and change the subject- they hardly ever say “no” by the way. Maybe 1 in 10 times. Most of the time they just make an excuse or avoid the question if they’re not interested. What if you say something stupid? Will it be the first time? Will it be the last? It’s probably better that you do say something stupid as it’ll make her laugh and lighten the mood. What if she laughs at you? Usually that’s a good thing, but if it’s in the immature degrading style, congrats, you’ve just realized she’s a horrible human being and not worth your time. What if it’s awkward afterward? It’ll only be as awkward as you make it. If you don’t make it a big deal, she won’t make it a big deal. What if she tells all her friends? Your friends!?!? Hope that she does! First, they’ll know you’re available. Second, they’ll know you have the guts to take initiative. Third, girls sometimes compete, so don’t be surprised if one of her friends starts warming up to you and wondering why you didn’t ask her out! Courage is the answer to conquering your lack of success with women. You need just a little bit of courage to both make yourself a more valuable mate, and to work on your interactions with potential mates. That brings us to the real secret. The secret is the higher the CQ, the more chance you have of failure, not because of the true odds, but because of your perceived odds. Truth is the low to moderate CQ is where you need to be, because it means you feel like your worthy of her and deserve to be with her. Trending: READING A WOMAN'S INTEREST LEVEL JUST GOT A LOT EASIER HOW I FIGURED OUT WOMEN - THE REPTILIAN BRAIN 7 INNER TRAITS THAT MAKE ALL WOMEN FEEL CHEMISTRY HELP!
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